Anger! What are you really angry about?

"I wouldn't have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity" (quote Anger Management movie).

Wouldn’t that be ideal if everyone else would act sensibly, then anger wouldn’t be a problem for me! The truth is, of course, that we can’t control or change others, so that leaves us with our anger and for many of us, anger isn’t an easy emotion to manage.

Why can it be so difficult?

It especially isn’t easy when healthy anger wasn’t modelled well or even allowed in our family growing up! Also stress can escalate angry responses or we could have developed “blind spots” or unknown beliefs that encourage anger. Perhaps a combination of these or other influences can be explored.

The aim ......

The aim in therapy is not so much to manage anger, but to understand ‘what we are angry about”. The answer may also not lie very close to the emotionally charged situation. It’s a bit like finding a water leak in the bathroom of a house – the problem may be a few meters away with the tree roots affecting the pipe outside. The same thing can occur with anger. An angry situation can prove itself to be the symptom of something much deeper. And it’s what’s buried deep that is of interest in uncovering and understanding and essentially dealing with.

Different types of anger

Unhealthy anger isn’t only seen in brawls outside pubs. As the movie says

“Dave, there are two kinds of angry people – explosive and implosive. Explosive is the type of individual you see screaming at the cashier for not taking his coupon. Implosive is the cashier who remains quiet day after day and then finally shoots everyone in the store. You’re the cashier” (Anger Management Movie Quote).

So anger doesn’t just reside in the typical “explosive” person. There are also those that may look nice and calm, like the smiling sweet lady that you work with who never gets angry in public, but may be imploding inside and then one day, like a volcano, may erupt and everyone says, ‘Boy, where did that come from’! There can also be those like the cashier that can be provocative, simmering away and leaking out in passive aggressive behaviour. Now, what’s that all about!?

Anger management might seem like a good approach to some and teaching anger management strategies have their place; however, it’s important not just to mop up the water leak in the house but to engage a reliable plumber and get to the root of the problem.

At Pathways Counselling we are interested in investing time and strategies to assist you to understand what is happening and where the explosive, implosive or provocative anger is really coming from! It’s time for Sherlock Holmes to intervene in the investigation. The types of anger that can turn into rage or resentment (whether it can be seen externally or simmering internally) unfortunately tend to create problems in relationships as well as affect health and can even damage the architecture of our brain!

Healthy Anger .....

Healthy Anger however does have its place and can be a positive emotion, especially when one is faced with a real danger. It’s also a great motivator when faced with injustice. So with an understanding of what one’s anger is really about, we can then decide how to change and hopefully over time we can choose how we would like to respond to situations instead of reacting from that hardwired automatic reactive place. It is only then, that unhealthy anger that once may have moved into rage or resentment can be replaced with other healthier emotions and behaviours and then, this unhealthy anger doesn’t even have to be managed at all – How good is that! ……