You've found out about an Affair!

Finding out that one partner has had an affair can be devastating. It can be like you’ve been hit by a bus. It is indeed a traumatic experience for the hurt partner.

Many have said that if they were to ever find out their partner has had an affair, then that’s it, it’s over! Others may just live with it and pretend it’s not happening, perhaps for the sake of the children. Again others may over time forgive and stay together. There are a variety of different responses that the injured partner can experience.

However, it’s also useful to know that there isn’t just one type of affair. Many may think, well an affair is just that, an affair. Well in fact there are around five or so types and I’ll explain a few of them below.

There’s the ‘I’m going to have an affair as a way of telling you, that you are just not paying me enough attention’! Perhaps one partner spends a lot of time at work or one partner spends most of their time with the kids. The other feels lonely and finds it difficult expressing their frustration or loneliness. They could have issues expressing their needs or dealing with conflict. So instead of letting the other partner know of their unhappiness, they let them know in a round-about type of way by having an affair.

Some also may have had an affair as a way of saying ‘Please release me!’ In this case, the affair is a way of letting the other person know they want out. The partner involved in the affair views the new affair person as the hero (I’ve got my excuse to leave) while the hurt partner views the new affair person as the problem or scoundrel.

Then there’s the affair(s) that involves patterns of sexual behaviours. Dr Patrick Carnes' views it as an addiction with the Sexual Recovery Institute stating that sexual addiction is “a persistent and escalating pattern or patterns of sexual behaviours acted out despite increasingly negative consequences to self or others”. Dr Carnes’ book ‘Out of the Shadows’ details the danger signs and the consequences of sex addiction and dependency. It also explains the way out of this problem. For the partner, viewing the following website may provide some assistance: http://www.robertweissmsw.com/about-sex-addiction/information-for-spousespartners/

An entitlement affair is also another type of affair ….. This is where one partner is caught up in the pursuit of success where their actions can be motivated with the belief of having anything they want. They may have a high estimation of their abilities and low levels of empathy that can increase the probability of affairs. The behaviour of entitlement may also be seen in other aspects of their lives.

There is also the affair where the couple may have been married for a while where one is leading a double life with an affair partner. The marriage may serve its practical purpose for both partners but one partner wants to experience and nurture their emotional and childish side and seeks an affair partner. This is where the affair couple go out and do fun and exciting things (Brown, 2001). This affair can actually keep the marriage continuing while it’s unknown.

Finally, there's the accidental affair where perhaps there's been too much alcohol, availability and not too much thought where one thing leads to another.

So just as there are many different types of affairs, there are also different approaches to counselling the different scenarios. Seeking a counsellor / therapist with this understanding is a good start.

Counselling / therapy whether as a couple or individual is an avenue that can provide support, understanding, help in making decisions whether that’s staying together or leaving, as well assistance in moving towards a healthier type of relating and emotional growth.

References: Brown, E. (2001). Patterns of infidelity and their treatment.