Guilt, Shame and Toxic Shame

Undertstanding the difference!

Well in actual fact, guilt and shame are both quite connected to each other and toxic shame takes on a different understanding? Let me explain.......

Guilt & Shame

Guilt is a feeling we have when we have done something wrong. It's like our conscience is tellling us that what we did was not okay. Perhaps we steal something from a store or we hurt someone. Guilt would be an appropriate emotion to have. It also motivates us to do the right thing and not to hurt others.

Shame is also a feeling we can have about ourselves and connected with something wrong we have done. One may say "I feel so ashamed". Usually the stance people take when they feel ashamed is to look down to their feet. They don't want to have eye contact with others. They may also want to hide. If you have heard the story of Adam and Eve, they both hid after they ate of the forbidden fruit and they were ashamed. They had done something wrong. So they felt shame. Great!

I believe guilt and shame are positive - it helps us to realise that what we've done wasn't right, that we can make amends and do something different the next time. If people didn't have guilt or shame they wouldn't go to the Police station and report their misdeameansours or apologise to others. You may have heard the term sociopath - those with this type of personality seem not to feel any guilt over wrongs they have done.

Toxic Shame

However, sometimes people unknowingly carry around shame about themselves when they haven't done anything wrong and this isn't positive. A person may view themselves as 'I am wrong or bad' or they may have low self worth. I call this 'toxic shame'. Instead of saying 'what I did was wrong' they may say 'I am wrong'.

So how can this develop? Just one scenario could be of a parent who is having an off day saying to someone that their child won't amount to much and the child overhears it. Or it may be as simply as a parent not being around very much or busy at work. There are many other reasons. Over time and depending on the child's personality and other messages they hear and behaviours they experience, the child may then view themselves as a 'nobody' and think there is something wrong with them. They may develop 'toxic shame' about themselves and think they are 'wrong'!

Unfortunately, this is all too common for many people and it unknowingly develops over time in our relationships with others.

However, there is a positive side and a remedy.

Just as guilt and shame have a remedy as discussed above, so does toxic shame. The remedy is similar to the cause - it can be healed through healthy relationships with others including the counselling relationship. Counselling can assist with this process where a person can move towards a new view of oneself as valuable and of worth. It can take sometime but it's worth the effort!

Pathways Counselling provide services to those wishing to 'do life better'.